Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It’s Friday.

It’s weigh-in day. 

I’m not weighing in. 

For the past 4 days I haven’t seen my scale. The scale that usually lives here:

My dear husband Jason has hid it. 

I got on Monday and was crazed by the number. I needed to stop. But as long as it was there I couldn’t resist it. The hold it has and the pull on me. 

I feel like I’m going through withdrawal. Yesterday was a bad stomach day and I was curious if it had an impact on the number that would shine on the little digital display. A number made of little lines strung together that help my mood in all their little pixels. 

Today I should be logging my weight. 

I’m not. Because I’ve broken up with my scale. Or maybe we’re on a break. 

Two things have happened this past few days without it sitting there, calling me, raining me... I’ve felt an infinitesimal bit less anxious eating. Eating anything on Tuesday-Thursday usually causes the most anxiety, Monday is a little less that those days, and  eating on Friday-Sunday cuasss the last amount, all relative to how close to weigh-in day it is. 

Without that measure I’m worried I’ll slide back and balloon. My sensible and kind yet exasperated and worried husband says- eat when your hungry, eat what you want stopping when your satisfied or full, continue to be active, and use your clothes as your guide for now. As long as your clothes stay fitting comfortably your doing fine. 

And I’m continuing to try and not track every bite- fruit and veggies. 

Also, I’m trying to control my compulsion to start my walking for the day at 4am when I get up and continue it until I go to bed at 10-11pm. 

* my old walking routine*

• walking/pacing in my room from 4-5am 
• stopped at 5 for my coffee
• walked/paced 5:30-6
• stopped to wake up Joshie and get him breakfast before school (skipped on weekends, no school days)
• more walking until 6:59 to get Joshie ready and into his bus 
• more walking either in my room or out and about during the rest of the day, very little sitting or stopping. I got really good at reading and walking. In the cold or wet I was mall walking, since getting Charlie I do a lot of dog walking.

I’ve for the past week as of today been getting my steps in without the crazy feeling early morning and late night walking around the room. My body is I think grateful. I was sore and achy all the damn time but couldn’t stop. It’s not been easy, I feel lazy and bad and it’s an itch I can’t scratch, this desire to be walking even right now (it’s 5:13am).

I have also stopped trying to know every single (and I mean every single) calorie I eat and then walking off as soon as I am done until I have burned between 2-4 times the calories eaten. Yes for exmaple, I was weighing my salad veggies and then walking after lunch 2-4 times the calories consumed. 

But part of me feels it’s been too many changes at once. Another part feels like I’m regaining control and is terrified but relieved. And yet another part yells at me to stop eating and get moving because I’m fat and lazy and proving it with each bite and each craving/want of something treat like and each minute spent sitting. 

But I’m pushing on. We will see I guess. 

Baby steps. Baby steps. 

Melting Down Like Chocolate In Summer

This morning I cried and had a bit of, ok more than a bit, of a meltdown.

It’s been awhile. I haven’t posted or talked about my struggles with anyone other than my husband (more on that in a few) because the last time I mentioned it on Facebook I got a message from someone saying I had an eating disorder and to get help. It scared me but it also made me censor myself. I’m going to go back to being open. I do better that way. And do I have an eating disorder tonsome extent, probably I do I think at this point but I’m trying to rectify that and venting, sharing, having conversations, that helped. So back to it.

So what’s been going on in my life not directly food/weight related:

• My daughter tried to commit suicide and has been in the hospital for a month and now we are in the process of group home placement and adding back more intensive services to her care. 
• My son has reached the home stretch and will be done with his first year of Middle School in a couple of weeks. That means I’ve survived too. And we’ve learned a lot about setting reasonable expectations and goals. It’s been a very successful year for him. 
• I've read some amazing books and my TBR keeps growing. 
• My husband started a new position at work and I’m quite proud of him. 

Speaking of my husband he’s been trying so hard to be patient with me and I’m grateful. 

Ok so now for where I am food/weight related. I have stopped (for the most part) weighing in more than once a week. I’ve gone down to and had been hovering around 117lbs. Today I weighed in at 119.8lbd. 

Until today. I have been trying to work up to not thinking like I’m still obese (fat) and get into the mindset that matches the body I’m actually in. It’s been hard and I’ve been mostly unsuccessful. For example weighing and measuring everything even lettuce and cucumber. 

So this week I tried something different. I didn’t weight/measure or track fruits and veggies. Keep in mind I don’t use fatty dressings and don’t eat tons of fruit but a couple of grapes or berries or some melon in small bits over the course of the day. I walk on average 21,000 steps a day.  I allowed myself to eat when I was truly hungry and to, within moderation, eat what ever I want. My thinking was that I’m active enough and have a small enough appetite that this should be ok. I wanted to break the fear and anxiety. Going out with friends has become impossible because if there’s food involved I don’t want to have to eat. Even going to events for my kids, food. So I tried this week. I even went to a Family Trivia Night event at my son’s school and ate 1 slice of pizza, 2 small cookies, and some chips. My Fitbit says I walked 22,763 steps and burned 2,536 calories that day. I had FroYo over last weekend and I had some snack and real food over the week. And today I’m up over 2lbs (2.6lbs to be exact). 

So here is where the problem starts. Now I’m scared to eat and worry I’ll go up like this again. And again. And it won’t stop. And my clothes won’t fit. And I’ll be her again, the fat girl I still feel and see in the mirror. Yet at the same time I looked back at my weight, step, calories log. And a little over a month ago, before I started having problems with my stomach, that I’ll spare you the details of but that required a colonoscopy and major amounts of clean panties in hand, I was maintaining week to week 119-120. And was in the clothes I have. And according to my tracker, while still not eating near enough, I know, I was eating a bit more than lately.

My calories intake has gone down. So my husband has been saying the right and sensible things and since he left for work has been texting me and saying to keep doing what I did this week, enjoy the time with family having s’mores or FroYo or just dinner. He said “When you’re older are you going to think back to the times we were around the fire eating sch-mores or are you going to fondly remember pacing around the room eating jello?“ *Please forgive his silly spelling of s’mores. It’s how he says it to get me going and is an inside joke❤️*

He’s right. I’m not sure I can do it. But I’m going to try. One more week couldn’t hurt too badly. I hope. 

So my promise to myself said here so I’m accountable after “saying it out loud”:

• I’ll keep my lunch date with my daughter at the hospital today and I’ll eat as planned with her.
• I’ll keep our fire time plans this weekend. 
• I’ll keep walking/moving. 
• I continue not weighing/measuring veggies and fruit. 
• I’ll eat more than plain salad/jello which means some protein too. 
• I’ll eat, in small, reasonable amounts, as I did this past week, anything I want. Because all things in moderation. 

And I’ll be back next Friday with the outcome. 

Pumpkin Pumpkin Everywhere And Not A Drop Of Guilt.....YET

It is that time of year....

....Everywhere you look!!

I find most people love it or hate it. I love it. But for so many reasons I don't get my fill. In general it is a carb/sugar thing and my trying to keep my diabetes in tight control. So I usually treat myself to one PSL (pumpkin spice latte for the uninitiated) a year when Starbucks rolls them out. Then I skip to sugar free Coffee Mate at home and sugar free peppermint and sugar free mocha when I am out. 

But I am trying to eat well, but maintain my weight and we have talked a lot about how hard that is and sadly I am further from my goal of maintaining 144 then I was last time and as of this morning I am 138.6 (5.4lb away) (side note, Joshie taught me why we use lb as the abbreviation for pound, forgive me if you know this, but I didn't and was glad to learn. It is from the latin word for pound, libra). 

While I am doing well eating when I am hungry and only until I have had enough, it isn't food high enough in calories to get me to the number of calories I need in a day. My daily average calorie a day for the last 6 days, 9/10/17-9/15/17, was 859. So I decided today to start with making little changes that will add a few calories here and there, slowly so I don't have the emotional carp (yes that is an intention misspelling of crap, it's a Leaky Peeps thing). And maybe I will be able to add some treats into my day from time to time without feeling guilty and going for long walks to negate the calorie intake, that being counterproductive to my goal. 

Two changes for today....First was I bought a bottle of regular Coffee Mate, in Peppermint Mocha, for my morning coffee rather than sugar free. It is a very small carb difference and is a 15 calorie difference. If I have more than one cup for the day then after cup 1 I will switch to black or sugar free creamer. (BABY STEPS)

And the second, I saw and really wanted pumpkin bread while at Walmart (or The Walmart if you so prefer) this morning and the calorie count and carb count isn't too out of line so I decided to grab it and have a piece with breakfast this morning instead of toast and without reducing my egg beaters amount and without dropping my slice of turkey bacon and light swiss. 

My usual breakfast is a slice of turkey bacon, a slice of about 10g Finlandia Light Swiss, and a slice of sprouted wheat bread toast, for a total calorie count of 160 calories. Occasionally I add in a small apple for about 50-55 calories. 

Today, I had the egg, cheese, bacon...

...and PUMPKIN BREAD!!! 

I ate the slice...and so far I am not feeling a drop of guilt....

...so far

Disappearing Or How To Stop Hesitating And Love The Compliment

"You are disappearing" or "Wow, look at you, you are disappearing." or "You look fantastic, you're practically disappearing."


These are all related to the fact that others see what I have trouble seeing because my brain and eyes are at war with each others over my damaged self-image.

Here is the thing....I don't know how to take a compliment. My first instinct is to let my mouth take over and as you probably know, my mouth as a special ability of saying things before my brain can stop it and well, I am a bit of a snarky and sassy girl. I am working on my filter, without as much success as some would like...but others love my failure in this and appreciate my Sassy McSassy-Pants'ness...

So when people compliment me my brain and mouth both go to utter some form of "Are you blind or stupid?"

I am trying to master the art of smile and say thanks. But the inner dialogue continues, I have to wonder if you, the offer of said compliments, needs a referral to the optometrist.

But this one....the disappearing one...I am noticing a different feeling....I know it means I am smaller...hell I am half the weight I was, no, seriously, I am just about exactly half the size I used to be....But it is giving me strange feeling...and I am writing about it because I truly feel like there is a link to this and my food issues...or lack of food as the case may be...

Because I have only ever wanted to disappear. I lived with my head in books because it was safe there. No one was hurting me in them, and I could travel far, far away....
I wanted to be invisible because no one beats or rapes the invisible person....But I have a personality. And it isn't invisible. And I like my friends and acquaintances now and being part of the stuff going on...

But to disappear...am I disappearing? Do I still want to? I don't think so...Not like when I was a kid or a wife in an abusive marriage. But I don't want to be the me that hides anymore...So why does hearing I am disappearing bring all this back?

I think the child of pain still lives in me. I know that is why I ate and grew...to bury the hurt...It is what happens to a person when they are told in words and actions that they are stupid, worthless, dispensable, a waste of skin and space.

I want to shine. I want to be the light my kids can follow. I want my friends and loved ones to be be glad of my pretense in their lives. I want to be happy and healthy.

I think I would no longer like to disappear. I think I want you to see me. And even more, I want to see me the way you see me....So I want to stop hesitating and I want to love the compliment, and mean it when I smile and say thank you.....

Food Glorious Food...The Cake Is A Lie....

I like food. Usually. And not just the good for you stuff like salad, fish, steak, chicken, spinach, beets, fruits, etc...but I love chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream, too much so do I love them....And food has never hurt me, it never beat me, never cheated on my, never told me I was worthless or stupid...It only offered me comfort and acceptance. Anytime I wanted it it was there....It never made me feel second best and it allowed me as often as I wanted to not feel anything...It helped shove those pesky feelings down and kept them down....

But now as much as I like food I am afraid to eat it...I need to...I am down to 140.6 today..I need to get back to 143-145, my Fitbit is set for a goal of 144. 

Saturday I freaked out because I was 143.5 up from 141.8 the day before and I was thinking if that rate kept up I would be 3,000 pounds come December 5th when I return to the plastic surgeon. But then I was down yesterday and again today. 

I added a higher calorie Glucerna shake today and will have 1 a day, 190 calories I don't have to be hungry to consume. 

I was hungry at breakfast and ate sugar free oatmeal, egg beaters, and a slice of deli sliced 2% American cheese.

I took the kids to ColdStone this afternoon to keep a promise I made Joshie while we were in Chicago last week. I was so tempted to have a scoop...the 350ish calories wouldn't have hurt....for today it would have still left me about 500 calories under my calorie goal....But I didn't....I did however have a bite from each of the kids cups...I just couldn't do it, a cup of my own....And partly it was because I wasn't even a little hungry (that's good right? not eating if I'm not hungry). But also because I was scared...and only slightly because of the carbs.....One day with one "bad" food choice wouldn't have done any long lasting damage, but would I be able to stop eating...

I think that's a big be part of this...

If I eat will I be able to stop? If I put on the 3 pounds I need to gain will it stop there? 

So I put my planned dinner into my food diary along with an evening snack and I am 1,003 calories for the day with 858 left unused....But it is the first time I have broken 1,000 in a long time...

I kind of want to remove the bread from my dinner, but that would drop me 60 calories (I was going to have a Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran, & Whole Wheat pita)...and I wanted one for my chicken sausage (Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon & Thin N Trim Sweet Asian) and I should eat it, because I want it and it is a good food choice...So I will eat it...But I will obsess over it and wonder if it was ok...And I will carefully count out my Cauliflower Tots and weigh the cheese I plan to melt over the tots...and I will still only be a 434 calorie dinner....But I will worry....

And in my head I will be trying to tell myself that sometimes I need to.....

But Not Tonight.....

Aug. 21, 2017

Breakfast: 202 Calories

Instant Sugar Free Apple & Cinnamon Oatmeal(100 cal) 

1/2 Cup Egg Beaters(60 cal)

1 Slice (13gr) 2% deli sliced Land O Lakes American(42 cal)

Early Afternoon: 34 calories

approximately 1tbsp  ice cream(about 34 cal)

Lunch:  301 Calories

Superfood Veggie Muffin(100 cal)

Glucerna Shake(190 cal)

1 Pocky Stick  given to me by Joshie(11 cal)

Dinner: will be about 431 Calories 

Thin N Trim Sweet Asian Chicken Sausage (80 cal)

Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon Sausage (70 Cal)

Joseph's Flax Pita (60 cal)

10 Cauliflower Tots(183 cal)

Light Swiss Cheese  Slice (15gr)(41 cal)

Evening: 35 calories

Sugar Free Strawberry Jello Cup(5 cal)

4tbsp Fat Free Cool Whip (30 cal) 

Total Calories In - 1,006

Total Calories Out - 1,454

Cal left over with my 4lb gain as a goal - 919

C is for Cookie....

Today is Friday August 18. I left home Monday August 14 and returned last night, Thursday August 17. For the time in between I was in Chicago on vacation visiting one of my best friends, Ann, with Joshie. We played tourist in Chicago and I got to visit the Northwestern campus. Did you know I am working on my Masters as a student in Northwestern's School of Professional Studies? Yep, I am. It is an online program and so I was thrilled to get the chance to visit the campus. We rode a water taxi, visited the American Writers Museum, and the highlight was the main reason we went....we saw Hamilton!!!

What does this have to do with cookies and my struggles with food and my weight? I am glad you asked, I am getting to that, hang with me, I promise my trip has a place in this other than to get to say I SAW HAMILTON!!! 

Sorry, couldn't resist. Here, have a cookie:

Ok, Ok, I am done, I promise....

As you know, I am trying to get back to and then stay at 144-145 pounds. I knew I would be doing a fair amount of walking on vacation and I know my Ann is a baker and that she is on my side and wants me to be healthy and all that comes with it and get this surgery approved so I was going to be encouraged to eat. 

I left home Monday with the attitude that vacation of for relaxing and guilt free eating. It's the perfect excuse, vacation, the one we all are ok with. 

Joshie had a must do list for this trip and it included Garrett Popcorn Chicago Popcorn. We had it 6 years ago when we went to Chicago last and it was delicious and I thought I would have some too. 

Side Note: Chicago mix sounds like it should be totally gross, it is cheese popcorn and caramel popcorn....together...but it is incredibly yummy!!! It works, I don't know why, but it sure as hell works!!!

On Tuesday we grabbed some. Ann and Joshie each got a bag and I grabbed an empty bag and took some from each of them and made a serving for myself I could be comfortable eating, both calorie/food struggle wise and because all that CRAY CRAY aside I am still diabetic so...popcorn...caramel...need to be careful. 

And it was delicious. I ate and enjoyed every bite...and the guilt didn't hit for hours..and it was minor and I was able to push it away rather quickly. We had walked about 21k steps so I wasn't too worried. But maybe I should have been....

I tried to eat without worry about what and just eat what I wanted when I was hungry in an amount that was satisfying. 

I ate steak. I ate a salad with cheese and nuts and dressing, a dressing I had no idea the stats of. I ate popcorn. And....

yes....I ate cookies. And I wasn't worried....But maybe I should have been.....

Ann makes these amazing Soft Ginger Cookies. They are my favorite non-chocolate cookie. They have become a tradition in our house and we make them for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year and a few other times in the fall when molasses and ginger are needed to make me feel connected to her. It is also Joshie's favorite non-chocolate cookie. 

so I ate one at her house and we took a bunch on the trip home with us. I ate a cookie and a halfish (maybe a little more, I ate the broken one or ones) on the trip. And loved every bite. 

I felt like I had done ok. I didn't eat much yesterday on the way home but it was not because I didn't want to or wasn't able to, well it was that I wasn't able to but I wasn't able to because of access not emotions. There wasn't anything in NorthStation other than pizza and McDonalds and I can't do pizza (too much blood sugar impact) and McDonalds is gross. I ate pop chips and a cookie on the train and wasn't that hungry anyway. And I had a turkey burger earlier for lunch at the airport in Chicago. 

But yeah, I didn't eat much yesterday. But I think I did pretty well Monday - Wednesday both in quantity and in guiltlessness. 

But....

mother fucker....dam it all....

this morning I am....

141.8

What the hell....I tried...I really did....

Looks like I still have a long way to go....

Sassy meets the Fitbit

Desperate Times Call For....Chocolate

I realized my target date for having to still be at 144 pounds was wrong in my tracking app.

Hey, about that app, I'm liking it but am getting a Fitbit (it'll be delivered the day Joshie and I return from Chicago) and will try their app once it comes. But for now I'm using My Net Diary. Create a free account and you can track on your device and computer and it syncs. It's very user friendly and I recommend it if you're looking for an app.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, I realized the target date for my goal weight was a year out and I need to be as close to possible to 144 pounds when I go back to the plastic surgeon on Decemeber 5th. Of this year. Which means that target calorie count I can't effin get to just got higher.

So I've taken a step to increase my calorie intake in a way that doesn't require me to be hungry, which I'm often not. And it is mindful of my diabties.
I'm adding one of these a day:

And it's chocolate. Which is my most very favorite thing...besides books.

Now the struggle bit, you knew it was coming right? Ok so I settled on this one after struggling to pick from the ones available, this one, a larger one with 180 calories but it's made for those trying to lose weight so is made to help with hunger, clearly not my issues, and another with 190 calories called a nutrition shake but the stats were so minor in comparison and it was hard enough getting myself ok with adding this. So baby steps, chocolate baby steps which helped, and 140 calories it is.

And I just had one with my lunch. It was actually very tasty. One a day, I can do this. Chocolate makes everything better, it's a life truth I've long since embraced.

PS what did I have for lunch? A carefully measured egg beater (1/2 cup), fat free cheddar slice, and tablespoon of bacon bits omelette. Adding the bacon bits AND the cheese was a step too, I usually do  one or the other.