Pumpkin Pumpkin Everywhere And Not A Drop Of Guilt.....YET

It is that time of year....

....Everywhere you look!!

I find most people love it or hate it. I love it. But for so many reasons I don't get my fill. In general it is a carb/sugar thing and my trying to keep my diabetes in tight control. So I usually treat myself to one PSL (pumpkin spice latte for the uninitiated) a year when Starbucks rolls them out. Then I skip to sugar free Coffee Mate at home and sugar free peppermint and sugar free mocha when I am out. 

But I am trying to eat well, but maintain my weight and we have talked a lot about how hard that is and sadly I am further from my goal of maintaining 144 then I was last time and as of this morning I am 138.6 (5.4lb away) (side note, Joshie taught me why we use lb as the abbreviation for pound, forgive me if you know this, but I didn't and was glad to learn. It is from the latin word for pound, libra). 

While I am doing well eating when I am hungry and only until I have had enough, it isn't food high enough in calories to get me to the number of calories I need in a day. My daily average calorie a day for the last 6 days, 9/10/17-9/15/17, was 859. So I decided today to start with making little changes that will add a few calories here and there, slowly so I don't have the emotional carp (yes that is an intention misspelling of crap, it's a Leaky Peeps thing). And maybe I will be able to add some treats into my day from time to time without feeling guilty and going for long walks to negate the calorie intake, that being counterproductive to my goal. 

Two changes for today....First was I bought a bottle of regular Coffee Mate, in Peppermint Mocha, for my morning coffee rather than sugar free. It is a very small carb difference and is a 15 calorie difference. If I have more than one cup for the day then after cup 1 I will switch to black or sugar free creamer. (BABY STEPS)

And the second, I saw and really wanted pumpkin bread while at Walmart (or The Walmart if you so prefer) this morning and the calorie count and carb count isn't too out of line so I decided to grab it and have a piece with breakfast this morning instead of toast and without reducing my egg beaters amount and without dropping my slice of turkey bacon and light swiss. 

My usual breakfast is a slice of turkey bacon, a slice of about 10g Finlandia Light Swiss, and a slice of sprouted wheat bread toast, for a total calorie count of 160 calories. Occasionally I add in a small apple for about 50-55 calories. 

Today, I had the egg, cheese, bacon...

...and PUMPKIN BREAD!!! 

I ate the slice...and so far I am not feeling a drop of guilt....

...so far

Disappearing Or How To Stop Hesitating And Love The Compliment

"You are disappearing" or "Wow, look at you, you are disappearing." or "You look fantastic, you're practically disappearing."


These are all related to the fact that others see what I have trouble seeing because my brain and eyes are at war with each others over my damaged self-image.

Here is the thing....I don't know how to take a compliment. My first instinct is to let my mouth take over and as you probably know, my mouth as a special ability of saying things before my brain can stop it and well, I am a bit of a snarky and sassy girl. I am working on my filter, without as much success as some would like...but others love my failure in this and appreciate my Sassy McSassy-Pants'ness...

So when people compliment me my brain and mouth both go to utter some form of "Are you blind or stupid?"

I am trying to master the art of smile and say thanks. But the inner dialogue continues, I have to wonder if you, the offer of said compliments, needs a referral to the optometrist.

But this one....the disappearing one...I am noticing a different feeling....I know it means I am smaller...hell I am half the weight I was, no, seriously, I am just about exactly half the size I used to be....But it is giving me strange feeling...and I am writing about it because I truly feel like there is a link to this and my food issues...or lack of food as the case may be...

Because I have only ever wanted to disappear. I lived with my head in books because it was safe there. No one was hurting me in them, and I could travel far, far away....
I wanted to be invisible because no one beats or rapes the invisible person....But I have a personality. And it isn't invisible. And I like my friends and acquaintances now and being part of the stuff going on...

But to disappear...am I disappearing? Do I still want to? I don't think so...Not like when I was a kid or a wife in an abusive marriage. But I don't want to be the me that hides anymore...So why does hearing I am disappearing bring all this back?

I think the child of pain still lives in me. I know that is why I ate and grew...to bury the hurt...It is what happens to a person when they are told in words and actions that they are stupid, worthless, dispensable, a waste of skin and space.

I want to shine. I want to be the light my kids can follow. I want my friends and loved ones to be be glad of my pretense in their lives. I want to be happy and healthy.

I think I would no longer like to disappear. I think I want you to see me. And even more, I want to see me the way you see me....So I want to stop hesitating and I want to love the compliment, and mean it when I smile and say thank you.....

Food Glorious Food...The Cake Is A Lie....

I like food. Usually. And not just the good for you stuff like salad, fish, steak, chicken, spinach, beets, fruits, etc...but I love chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream, too much so do I love them....And food has never hurt me, it never beat me, never cheated on my, never told me I was worthless or stupid...It only offered me comfort and acceptance. Anytime I wanted it it was there....It never made me feel second best and it allowed me as often as I wanted to not feel anything...It helped shove those pesky feelings down and kept them down....

But now as much as I like food I am afraid to eat it...I need to...I am down to 140.6 today..I need to get back to 143-145, my Fitbit is set for a goal of 144. 

Saturday I freaked out because I was 143.5 up from 141.8 the day before and I was thinking if that rate kept up I would be 3,000 pounds come December 5th when I return to the plastic surgeon. But then I was down yesterday and again today. 

I added a higher calorie Glucerna shake today and will have 1 a day, 190 calories I don't have to be hungry to consume. 

I was hungry at breakfast and ate sugar free oatmeal, egg beaters, and a slice of deli sliced 2% American cheese.

I took the kids to ColdStone this afternoon to keep a promise I made Joshie while we were in Chicago last week. I was so tempted to have a scoop...the 350ish calories wouldn't have hurt....for today it would have still left me about 500 calories under my calorie goal....But I didn't....I did however have a bite from each of the kids cups...I just couldn't do it, a cup of my own....And partly it was because I wasn't even a little hungry (that's good right? not eating if I'm not hungry). But also because I was scared...and only slightly because of the carbs.....One day with one "bad" food choice wouldn't have done any long lasting damage, but would I be able to stop eating...

I think that's a big be part of this...

If I eat will I be able to stop? If I put on the 3 pounds I need to gain will it stop there? 

So I put my planned dinner into my food diary along with an evening snack and I am 1,003 calories for the day with 858 left unused....But it is the first time I have broken 1,000 in a long time...

I kind of want to remove the bread from my dinner, but that would drop me 60 calories (I was going to have a Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran, & Whole Wheat pita)...and I wanted one for my chicken sausage (Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon & Thin N Trim Sweet Asian) and I should eat it, because I want it and it is a good food choice...So I will eat it...But I will obsess over it and wonder if it was ok...And I will carefully count out my Cauliflower Tots and weigh the cheese I plan to melt over the tots...and I will still only be a 434 calorie dinner....But I will worry....

And in my head I will be trying to tell myself that sometimes I need to.....

But Not Tonight.....

Aug. 21, 2017

Breakfast: 202 Calories

Instant Sugar Free Apple & Cinnamon Oatmeal(100 cal) 

1/2 Cup Egg Beaters(60 cal)

1 Slice (13gr) 2% deli sliced Land O Lakes American(42 cal)

Early Afternoon: 34 calories

approximately 1tbsp  ice cream(about 34 cal)

Lunch:  301 Calories

Superfood Veggie Muffin(100 cal)

Glucerna Shake(190 cal)

1 Pocky Stick  given to me by Joshie(11 cal)

Dinner: will be about 431 Calories 

Thin N Trim Sweet Asian Chicken Sausage (80 cal)

Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon Sausage (70 Cal)

Joseph's Flax Pita (60 cal)

10 Cauliflower Tots(183 cal)

Light Swiss Cheese  Slice (15gr)(41 cal)

Evening: 35 calories

Sugar Free Strawberry Jello Cup(5 cal)

4tbsp Fat Free Cool Whip (30 cal) 

Total Calories In - 1,006

Total Calories Out - 1,454

Cal left over with my 4lb gain as a goal - 919

C is for Cookie....

Today is Friday August 18. I left home Monday August 14 and returned last night, Thursday August 17. For the time in between I was in Chicago on vacation visiting one of my best friends, Ann, with Joshie. We played tourist in Chicago and I got to visit the Northwestern campus. Did you know I am working on my Masters as a student in Northwestern's School of Professional Studies? Yep, I am. It is an online program and so I was thrilled to get the chance to visit the campus. We rode a water taxi, visited the American Writers Museum, and the highlight was the main reason we went....we saw Hamilton!!!

What does this have to do with cookies and my struggles with food and my weight? I am glad you asked, I am getting to that, hang with me, I promise my trip has a place in this other than to get to say I SAW HAMILTON!!! 

Sorry, couldn't resist. Here, have a cookie:

Ok, Ok, I am done, I promise....

As you know, I am trying to get back to and then stay at 144-145 pounds. I knew I would be doing a fair amount of walking on vacation and I know my Ann is a baker and that she is on my side and wants me to be healthy and all that comes with it and get this surgery approved so I was going to be encouraged to eat. 

I left home Monday with the attitude that vacation of for relaxing and guilt free eating. It's the perfect excuse, vacation, the one we all are ok with. 

Joshie had a must do list for this trip and it included Garrett Popcorn Chicago Popcorn. We had it 6 years ago when we went to Chicago last and it was delicious and I thought I would have some too. 

Side Note: Chicago mix sounds like it should be totally gross, it is cheese popcorn and caramel popcorn....together...but it is incredibly yummy!!! It works, I don't know why, but it sure as hell works!!!

On Tuesday we grabbed some. Ann and Joshie each got a bag and I grabbed an empty bag and took some from each of them and made a serving for myself I could be comfortable eating, both calorie/food struggle wise and because all that CRAY CRAY aside I am still diabetic so...popcorn...caramel...need to be careful. 

And it was delicious. I ate and enjoyed every bite...and the guilt didn't hit for hours..and it was minor and I was able to push it away rather quickly. We had walked about 21k steps so I wasn't too worried. But maybe I should have been....

I tried to eat without worry about what and just eat what I wanted when I was hungry in an amount that was satisfying. 

I ate steak. I ate a salad with cheese and nuts and dressing, a dressing I had no idea the stats of. I ate popcorn. And....

yes....I ate cookies. And I wasn't worried....But maybe I should have been.....

Ann makes these amazing Soft Ginger Cookies. They are my favorite non-chocolate cookie. They have become a tradition in our house and we make them for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year and a few other times in the fall when molasses and ginger are needed to make me feel connected to her. It is also Joshie's favorite non-chocolate cookie. 

so I ate one at her house and we took a bunch on the trip home with us. I ate a cookie and a halfish (maybe a little more, I ate the broken one or ones) on the trip. And loved every bite. 

I felt like I had done ok. I didn't eat much yesterday on the way home but it was not because I didn't want to or wasn't able to, well it was that I wasn't able to but I wasn't able to because of access not emotions. There wasn't anything in NorthStation other than pizza and McDonalds and I can't do pizza (too much blood sugar impact) and McDonalds is gross. I ate pop chips and a cookie on the train and wasn't that hungry anyway. And I had a turkey burger earlier for lunch at the airport in Chicago. 

But yeah, I didn't eat much yesterday. But I think I did pretty well Monday - Wednesday both in quantity and in guiltlessness. 

But....

mother fucker....dam it all....

this morning I am....

141.8

What the hell....I tried...I really did....

Looks like I still have a long way to go....

Sassy meets the Fitbit

Desperate Times Call For....Chocolate

I realized my target date for having to still be at 144 pounds was wrong in my tracking app.

Hey, about that app, I'm liking it but am getting a Fitbit (it'll be delivered the day Joshie and I return from Chicago) and will try their app once it comes. But for now I'm using My Net Diary. Create a free account and you can track on your device and computer and it syncs. It's very user friendly and I recommend it if you're looking for an app.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, I realized the target date for my goal weight was a year out and I need to be as close to possible to 144 pounds when I go back to the plastic surgeon on Decemeber 5th. Of this year. Which means that target calorie count I can't effin get to just got higher.

So I've taken a step to increase my calorie intake in a way that doesn't require me to be hungry, which I'm often not. And it is mindful of my diabties.
I'm adding one of these a day:

And it's chocolate. Which is my most very favorite thing...besides books.

Now the struggle bit, you knew it was coming right? Ok so I settled on this one after struggling to pick from the ones available, this one, a larger one with 180 calories but it's made for those trying to lose weight so is made to help with hunger, clearly not my issues, and another with 190 calories called a nutrition shake but the stats were so minor in comparison and it was hard enough getting myself ok with adding this. So baby steps, chocolate baby steps which helped, and 140 calories it is.

And I just had one with my lunch. It was actually very tasty. One a day, I can do this. Chocolate makes everything better, it's a life truth I've long since embraced.

PS what did I have for lunch? A carefully measured egg beater (1/2 cup), fat free cheddar slice, and tablespoon of bacon bits omelette. Adding the bacon bits AND the cheese was a step too, I usually do  one or the other.

Doctor's Orders

Can we get real here? Do you mind?

I hate my body. 

I look in the mirror and I don't see thin. 

I try to. 

And sometimes, 

for a little moment, 

at just the right angle, 

I can see it. 

But for the most part I feel like I am still in a 283 pound body. 

I look at my clothes and I think they look way to small, 

no way is my fate ass fitting those....

And there are a few parts to why all that is the way it is. 

One of them is that I have a lot, and I do mean A LOT, 

of extra skin. 

My arms are so flappy I could fly to Chicago next week without and airplane. 

I mean it, it is just awful, unless you're a duck or something...and I am not. 

And of course sleeveless shirts seem to be the cutest, and none of that for me. 

It is just too ugly!! To flappy!!

My thighs are just awful too, but that is easier to hide. Jeans, Bermuda shorts, all safe and tucked away. 

But from my ribcage down, well it is just not a pretty sight. My rolls have rolls. 

It's a pain when showering, it is ugly to look at, and I won't even take about sex. 

But it is all just there and there, and even more there. 

I should weigh between no more than 137 according to charts. 

I went to see a plastic surgeon to take care of this problem. 

Insurance should cover some of it but there will be costs for me and I don't know that I can do it. 

But man oh man, I have between 20-40 pounds of extra skin. 

If I split the difference at 30 that would make my weight without it 114. 

It was a humiliating to stand there and expose my gross body to a camera. 

Vulnerable and shamed barely describes it. But there is is.  

Mine is so severe the Dr believes that insurance will approve the area the cover, the middle area. 

The catch..the catches...

I will have to pay for part of the procedure. Hello Go Fund Me.

The other part...I have to maintain my current weight for 4 months. 

And to do that it requires eating....

So I got this app...it is a food dairy. 

I can track my calorie intake. 

It tells me how many calories I need to consume for the day...

1794. 

But to eat...it is hard...I am afraid. 

Each bite costs me. 

I don't want to gain. I don't want to see the scale creep back up until what I think I look like comes what I look like. 

But I want this skin mess gone...

But I don't want to be Sassy McFatty Pants...

1794.

I am trying. 

I really am. 

I eat if I am hungry. 

I try to make sure it is healthy. 

I try to allow myself treats when I want them. 

But every bite costs me...cost me some piece of mind, some level of anxiety is induced...Every bite. 

But I need to eat. 

I know this. 

I truly do. 

I am not even getting close to my target calorie intake. 

For the last few days I hit 592, 782, 831, 457, 678. 

But I am not going hungry, 

truly I am not. 

I hate this. 

I hate the helpless feeling. 

I hate my body. 

I hate food and how it makes me feel. 

But I love food and how it makes me feel. 

Chocolate. 

Ice Cream. 

Salty. 

Sweet. 

And wine. 

And tequila. 

And I hate it. 

All of this. 

Tomorrow I will do better...

Welcome and I'm Sorry

You found me!! I have a place where I take about my favorite subject ever, BOOKS!! But I needed a place to talk about my least favorite subject....my weight and the struggles it causes. It is a marathon and not a sprint but I fall down a lot (not shocking to anyone who knows me, I am a huge Klutz) and need a place to write and share. It is for me, to help me, but I hope it is for you too. Maybe you can understand because you have been there, or are there, or know and love (or hate) someone who is where I am, or you just want to point and laugh at the fat girl who maybe is fat or maybe isn't.

Come back often...or don't, I will be here writing, sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much. The only guarantees I make are that I will be real, I will overshare, and I will be honest.

Some stuff to know going forward:

• I have struggled with my weight my entire life. 
• A few years ago (in 2009) I started to make a real effort to lose weight. I was 283 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and went down to 165 pounds.
• As of August 9th 2017 I weight 143 pounds. 
• It caused A LOT of extra skin and I will talk about this more in future posts. 
• I look in the mirror and I still feel like a Fatty McFatty Pants. I still feel like and see 283 pounds me. 
• I am the most clumsy person I know. 
• I don't sleep well or enough.
• I love to read!!
• I am very funny!!!
• I love deeply. 
• Wine is good. 
• Chocolate is better. 
• I battle with food and the scale daily. 
• I am so glad you are here. I hope you stick with me. 

So welcome! And I'm sorry. Why? Well because I can promise that sometimes the things I tell you won't be comfortable, nice, pretty, or happy. And I am sorry because I am not sorry about that. 

And hey, did you check out the link up there to my book blog? No? Why not? Here is is again...
MY BOOK BLOG