Doctor's Orders

Can we get real here? Do you mind?

I hate my body. 

I look in the mirror and I don't see thin. 

I try to. 

And sometimes, 

for a little moment, 

at just the right angle, 

I can see it. 

But for the most part I feel like I am still in a 283 pound body. 

I look at my clothes and I think they look way to small, 

no way is my fate ass fitting those....

And there are a few parts to why all that is the way it is. 

One of them is that I have a lot, and I do mean A LOT, 

of extra skin. 

My arms are so flappy I could fly to Chicago next week without and airplane. 

I mean it, it is just awful, unless you're a duck or something...and I am not. 

And of course sleeveless shirts seem to be the cutest, and none of that for me. 

It is just too ugly!! To flappy!!

My thighs are just awful too, but that is easier to hide. Jeans, Bermuda shorts, all safe and tucked away. 

But from my ribcage down, well it is just not a pretty sight. My rolls have rolls. 

It's a pain when showering, it is ugly to look at, and I won't even take about sex. 

But it is all just there and there, and even more there. 

I should weigh between no more than 137 according to charts. 

I went to see a plastic surgeon to take care of this problem. 

Insurance should cover some of it but there will be costs for me and I don't know that I can do it. 

But man oh man, I have between 20-40 pounds of extra skin. 

If I split the difference at 30 that would make my weight without it 114. 

It was a humiliating to stand there and expose my gross body to a camera. 

Vulnerable and shamed barely describes it. But there is is.  

Mine is so severe the Dr believes that insurance will approve the area the cover, the middle area. 

The catch..the catches...

I will have to pay for part of the procedure. Hello Go Fund Me.

The other part...I have to maintain my current weight for 4 months. 

And to do that it requires eating....

So I got this app...it is a food dairy. 

I can track my calorie intake. 

It tells me how many calories I need to consume for the day...

1794. 

But to eat...it is hard...I am afraid. 

Each bite costs me. 

I don't want to gain. I don't want to see the scale creep back up until what I think I look like comes what I look like. 

But I want this skin mess gone...

But I don't want to be Sassy McFatty Pants...

1794.

I am trying. 

I really am. 

I eat if I am hungry. 

I try to make sure it is healthy. 

I try to allow myself treats when I want them. 

But every bite costs me...cost me some piece of mind, some level of anxiety is induced...Every bite. 

But I need to eat. 

I know this. 

I truly do. 

I am not even getting close to my target calorie intake. 

For the last few days I hit 592, 782, 831, 457, 678. 

But I am not going hungry, 

truly I am not. 

I hate this. 

I hate the helpless feeling. 

I hate my body. 

I hate food and how it makes me feel. 

But I love food and how it makes me feel. 

Chocolate. 

Ice Cream. 

Salty. 

Sweet. 

And wine. 

And tequila. 

And I hate it. 

All of this. 

Tomorrow I will do better...