Food Glorious Food...The Cake Is A Lie....

I like food. Usually. And not just the good for you stuff like salad, fish, steak, chicken, spinach, beets, fruits, etc...but I love chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream, too much so do I love them....And food has never hurt me, it never beat me, never cheated on my, never told me I was worthless or stupid...It only offered me comfort and acceptance. Anytime I wanted it it was there....It never made me feel second best and it allowed me as often as I wanted to not feel anything...It helped shove those pesky feelings down and kept them down....

But now as much as I like food I am afraid to eat it...I need to...I am down to 140.6 today..I need to get back to 143-145, my Fitbit is set for a goal of 144. 

Saturday I freaked out because I was 143.5 up from 141.8 the day before and I was thinking if that rate kept up I would be 3,000 pounds come December 5th when I return to the plastic surgeon. But then I was down yesterday and again today. 

I added a higher calorie Glucerna shake today and will have 1 a day, 190 calories I don't have to be hungry to consume. 

I was hungry at breakfast and ate sugar free oatmeal, egg beaters, and a slice of deli sliced 2% American cheese.

I took the kids to ColdStone this afternoon to keep a promise I made Joshie while we were in Chicago last week. I was so tempted to have a scoop...the 350ish calories wouldn't have hurt....for today it would have still left me about 500 calories under my calorie goal....But I didn't....I did however have a bite from each of the kids cups...I just couldn't do it, a cup of my own....And partly it was because I wasn't even a little hungry (that's good right? not eating if I'm not hungry). But also because I was scared...and only slightly because of the carbs.....One day with one "bad" food choice wouldn't have done any long lasting damage, but would I be able to stop eating...

I think that's a big be part of this...

If I eat will I be able to stop? If I put on the 3 pounds I need to gain will it stop there? 

So I put my planned dinner into my food diary along with an evening snack and I am 1,003 calories for the day with 858 left unused....But it is the first time I have broken 1,000 in a long time...

I kind of want to remove the bread from my dinner, but that would drop me 60 calories (I was going to have a Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran, & Whole Wheat pita)...and I wanted one for my chicken sausage (Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon & Thin N Trim Sweet Asian) and I should eat it, because I want it and it is a good food choice...So I will eat it...But I will obsess over it and wonder if it was ok...And I will carefully count out my Cauliflower Tots and weigh the cheese I plan to melt over the tots...and I will still only be a 434 calorie dinner....But I will worry....

And in my head I will be trying to tell myself that sometimes I need to.....

But Not Tonight.....

Aug. 21, 2017

Breakfast: 202 Calories

Instant Sugar Free Apple & Cinnamon Oatmeal(100 cal) 

1/2 Cup Egg Beaters(60 cal)

1 Slice (13gr) 2% deli sliced Land O Lakes American(42 cal)

Early Afternoon: 34 calories

approximately 1tbsp  ice cream(about 34 cal)

Lunch:  301 Calories

Superfood Veggie Muffin(100 cal)

Glucerna Shake(190 cal)

1 Pocky Stick  given to me by Joshie(11 cal)

Dinner: will be about 431 Calories 

Thin N Trim Sweet Asian Chicken Sausage (80 cal)

Thin N Trim Apple Cinnamon Sausage (70 Cal)

Joseph's Flax Pita (60 cal)

10 Cauliflower Tots(183 cal)

Light Swiss Cheese  Slice (15gr)(41 cal)

Evening: 35 calories

Sugar Free Strawberry Jello Cup(5 cal)

4tbsp Fat Free Cool Whip (30 cal) 

Total Calories In - 1,006

Total Calories Out - 1,454

Cal left over with my 4lb gain as a goal - 919