Disappearing Or How To Stop Hesitating And Love The Compliment

"You are disappearing" or "Wow, look at you, you are disappearing." or "You look fantastic, you're practically disappearing."


These are all related to the fact that others see what I have trouble seeing because my brain and eyes are at war with each others over my damaged self-image.

Here is the thing....I don't know how to take a compliment. My first instinct is to let my mouth take over and as you probably know, my mouth as a special ability of saying things before my brain can stop it and well, I am a bit of a snarky and sassy girl. I am working on my filter, without as much success as some would like...but others love my failure in this and appreciate my Sassy McSassy-Pants'ness...

So when people compliment me my brain and mouth both go to utter some form of "Are you blind or stupid?"

I am trying to master the art of smile and say thanks. But the inner dialogue continues, I have to wonder if you, the offer of said compliments, needs a referral to the optometrist.

But this one....the disappearing one...I am noticing a different feeling....I know it means I am smaller...hell I am half the weight I was, no, seriously, I am just about exactly half the size I used to be....But it is giving me strange feeling...and I am writing about it because I truly feel like there is a link to this and my food issues...or lack of food as the case may be...

Because I have only ever wanted to disappear. I lived with my head in books because it was safe there. No one was hurting me in them, and I could travel far, far away....
I wanted to be invisible because no one beats or rapes the invisible person....But I have a personality. And it isn't invisible. And I like my friends and acquaintances now and being part of the stuff going on...

But to disappear...am I disappearing? Do I still want to? I don't think so...Not like when I was a kid or a wife in an abusive marriage. But I don't want to be the me that hides anymore...So why does hearing I am disappearing bring all this back?

I think the child of pain still lives in me. I know that is why I ate and grew...to bury the hurt...It is what happens to a person when they are told in words and actions that they are stupid, worthless, dispensable, a waste of skin and space.

I want to shine. I want to be the light my kids can follow. I want my friends and loved ones to be be glad of my pretense in their lives. I want to be happy and healthy.

I think I would no longer like to disappear. I think I want you to see me. And even more, I want to see me the way you see me....So I want to stop hesitating and I want to love the compliment, and mean it when I smile and say thank you.....